Shirt

Hey ladies,

I feel like shirt today. Absolute shirt. Isn't that wonderful? I'm not sure why that is but I'm going to try and sort it out in the hopes that I'll feel better.

Let's describe this lovely feeling I'm having right now first. Usually my self-esteem rides at a steady 8 but today it has taken a tumble into the 5 area. This is not so hot. It started some time this morning when I got to school and tried to study for my biochemistry midterm that is on this coming Friday. "It" is the feeling that I am going to choke/suffocate, hyperventilate and expel all of my internal organs through my mouth all at once.

So the biochemistry midterm... Our prof keeps going on about how "it's not going to be nearly as hard as the first one" but I actually did fairly well on the first one and I wonder if this one is going to be "less difficult" in that it requires different skills than the last one and I'll fail the easy test because my brain works differently than other peoples. That or there's the fact that, if I do worse on this than on te other one I will not only have failed the easy exam but destroyed my hope for te final because it will be more heavily weighted on the things covered in this midterm than the previous one. I'm also worried that my general panic will contribute to me being unable to study and therefore unable to pass.

I also have my huge essay proposal due tomorrow. The essay proposal isn't huge, just the actual essay, but this means that I have to plan ten pages of writing in one night without actually writing anything and while I know I should have done it already and, even more than that, that I should e studying intensively for biochemistry because I am in no way prepared for that.

Thirdly, this weekend my mother visited and brought with her a whole lot of angst that I've never experienced before. "This should be done. Why isn't it done? You should clean this. Why haven't you cleaned this? You're so disorganized. You should really organize your stuff better. Why aren't you doing it now? I can't believe that you signed off on thi cupboard! How do you imagine that it looks okay? It looks disgusting."

I looked at my disgusting cupboard this morning and felt all kids of shame and humiliation. It's a cupboard for Christ's sake! More importantly IT'S MY HOUSE!!!

(I should note here that I do really love my mom and this is the internal, not usually allowed to surface monologue. Don't judge me because when you hit that instant where it is true for you, you'll know that everyone experiences the same. Also, it was a singular instant of wanting to yell it like that, not a continuous sentiment. It's not so much that I mind her interfering [in her own, motherly way, trying to make things better for me] as I mind her thinking or implying that I am incompetent when she is one of the people I trust and seek approval of the most.)

There's also the fact that I've received an invitation via email to check out a soccer organization friendly to gay/bi/trans women to which my immediate response is "sounds like a tonne of fun" but this is also immediately followed by the consideration of what kinds of questions I'll get if I join, most notably "Why join this league instead of the normal league?"

The real answer is somewhere in between "I don't want to see girls parading their boyfriends around to their games and acting like airheads because of it", "My general experience with that community has been nothing but positive" and "It is a normal league so get the [profanity] over it!"

I'm so angry with myself that I'm scared of the inevitable next question which is usually (by usually I mean the usual question after I tell people I got to Tuesday movies is), "What if they hit on you?" to which my response is "I don't mind" which could lead to "So are you...?"

*sighs*

Most of the weight is off my chest now but I still feel a bit like a can't breath. Thanks for reading. I am going to go eat some soup.

Love you ladies,

Dina