Caution: Do Not Feed the University Students

Tour Guide: As we tour through the campus, you may encounter University students in their natural habitat. Especially at the established feeding stations. We ask that you do not try to pet or hand feed them, as they are wild creatures and we do not wish for them to grow to rely on handouts and while most are not naturally vicious, some are prone to sudden outbursts around midterms and crunch time. This is especially true of engineering students. Therefor, for their safety and you own please just observe them.

Parent 1: You say they are commonly found near food sources correct? If one was studying them, what other sites would you suggest visiting in order to understand their natural behaviour?

Tour Guide: Students have a habit of visiting different places depending on their age, breed and gender, so it truly varies. Watering holes are commonly frequented by almost all students as a nocturnal pass time. The library is also a usually highly populated, with a great correlation to the events of finals and midterms. There you will find the older student population more often than the first years, who have their own abodes on campus, which we shall get to visit later.

Parent 2: Breeds?

Tour Guide: Yes, majors are so diverse, one may as call students studying things different breeds of the same species. One would never equate a economics student to a psychology student, and even more broadly arts students and science students are traditionally viewed as being starkly different. Now, if you look straight ahead you will see the locked doors leading to the first year abodes, this locking mechanism keeps outsiders from mingling with the young ones without the written permission of the building staff.

Parent 2: Do the students who belong in the building ever get locked out themselves though?!

Tour Guide: Oh of course, it is a way of separating the weak from the strong, then exacting payments out of the weak once they mess up too many times. Now, be very quiet as we are entering the usually private territory of the non study intensive ward...

Parent 3: Study intensive?

Tour Guide: Yes, that is the name we give to the quiet place, to make it sound horrible so we don't get too much interest in it since there is limited space. Oh! Look! There goes a student clad in traditional residence attire! Note the over-sized hoodie and baggy track pants, this particular specimen has chosen to omit the usual slippers that complete the look, but it is still a near exemplary specimen!

Parents: *Ohhhh, ahhhh*

Tour Guide: Oh, and there goes one who spent too much time at the watering hole last night, see the dopey expression and the way he drags his feet?

Parents: *Hmmmm*

Neanderthal: Joe you little g@#, f*%$@#, get your f*%$ing @$$ out here, I am f*%$ing hungry!!

Parents: *looks of shock*

Tour Guide: Ahh, and there you see a deviant we call the Neanderthal, a student with limited vocabulary skills that must rely almost solely on swearing and homophobic language in order to express his needs. These needs predominately revolve around expressing how gay everyone else is, food, watering holes and female student's attention.

Parents: *nodding heads*

*group encounters scantly clad girl who shrieks and dives back into her room*

Tour Guide: And that is a case of a female student who was either on her way to the washroom, in order to preform grooming rituals, or on her way to try and attract the attention of a male student, which seems to be a primary concern of most female students.

Parents: *chuckles*

Tour Guide: Oh!! Look quickly! There is one of the most elusive students of all, known by many names though mainly the Hall Hermit!

V: Meeeeppp! *ducks behind chair*

Tour Guide: These are incredibly skiddish, hate loud noises and hold a grudge against those of the Neanderthal variety for infringing on their sleep, work, social relations and general peace of mind. Maybe if we are very quiet, she will come back out... Though shy, they make very loyal friends and when they are not too homesick they are great workers.

Parent 9: They get homesick?

Tour Guide: Oh yes, I forgot to mention... Some students do not transition into this setting as well as others, they miss things like close friends, not close friend, causal acquaintances, people they just knew the names of, peace, quiet, senses of community, knowing their teacher's and their names and occasionally their own beds and their family... But that is not a problem!! We have programs for that!!

V: *Pokes head around chair*

Tour Guide: Oh, maybe she is becoming desensitized to our presence!

V: *stares at group and growls*

Tour Guide: This is sad, she is showing a defensive reflex which is associated with displeasure at our scrutiny...

Parent 6: Maybe we can distract her from her worries? With food? Or maybe a male student?

Tour Guide: While that tactic would work for many, the Hall Hermits have a habit of being fiercely independent and rather picky in there tastes of both food and males. We would need another student she has a close association with to gain insight on her or to gain her trust, I think we ought to abandon this attempt and carry on to the athletic complex. There we will likely see many preening males!

Parents : *ooohhhh*

Tour Guide: I will note the location of the Hermit, and perhaps someone else will coax her out later...

*Group Leaves*

V: *Sigh of relief* *Munches on stroop waffles*