The Bottom of the Barrel

Hello ladies.

It's been quite a while. It's been a really long time. So long that I felt the need to express the sentiment twice.

I know I've told you some stories recently about what a crappy time I'm having but I feel like I have to elaborate on that a bit more. Over reading week you listened to me talk about how miserable I was at home because of my sister but the truth is that I've been far more miserable than that in the past few months and it has everything to do with me.

The process of applying to schools and watching my friends do the same has slowly made me feel like I have absolutely nothing to offer. There are so many spaces on all these forms that I'm supposed to fill out and I can only manage half of them and then the things I have put in are from years ago and have nothing to do with where I am now. I think of the student counsel presidents, club leaders, and volunteer happy people that probably have all of those spaces filled and by things that are ten times more interesting and relevant than any one of my points. Every time I enter a mark less than an 80 I think of my friends who got 90s in the class, of the average entrance marks being so much higher than my average has any hope of being, and how I should have got my shit together earlier so that the mark was better, regardless of how proud I was at the time just to pass the class.

I know it isn't logical. No one's perfect. It's very understandable that all of these things should happen and didn't I enjoy the process when it was happening? I'm perfectly capable of saying that it's unreasonable to feel like absolute crap over something that's completely ordinary but that doesn't stop the feeling.

I've mentioned to you a few times that the 4B term is a mess for everyone. The essence of that is that it's really hard to continue working when you have no clear goal. Sure, you want a job or you want to get into another school, but all of those things are hanging in the flux during your last term. You're sharpening up your resumé, filling out the proper forms, doing interviews but all of that involves you putting yourself completely out into the judgement of other people and then hanging in the flux for months, wondering if you did enough. It's an almost overwhelming panic that you'll have nothing to do once you finish school, that all of it was a waste of time, and that you have absolutely nothing to contribute to the world if all of that work you put in isn't good enough.

As you can imagine, it's really rather hard to get anything done when you feel like it isn't worth it.

There have been so many nights where I've sat in front of my computer into the early hours of the morning trying to force my hands to sprout off what I know I understand into papers and reports but sometimes it feels like trying to force knives through my fingers instead. It's messy, it's painful and I'm feel like I'm losing pieces of myself through the entire process.With every minute more into the morning I'm writing the paper I'm knocking my self-esteem down another peg, thinking things like "If you couldn't do it in the last four hours, why would one more make a difference?" 

Some of these nights have been really dark for me and I've scared myself a bit more than I thought I could. 

Last night wasn't the worst, by any means, but it did ofter another shocking spiral as I realized that I'd already missed two of my application deadlines because they were evidently different than had been listed on the site I had previously checked. 50% gone, without even having taken a shot. One of the remaining applications is due on Friday but I don't feel anywhere near ready to submit anything. For one, it's very hard to talk about why you want to do what you want to do when you can't remember the why and feel entirely unworthy of any recognition. 

My dilemma is now, do I try to rush that application and submit something below my potential just for the sake of submitting or do I wait and try again next year with a fresh slate. The way I've phrased this has already told me the way I'm leaning (let's not give them a bad impression this year but save it and put together a good first impression next year) but "giving up" is not something I'm used to doing and it stings to think I've fallen that far, even when it's obvious that I'm in no way at my best right now.

I'm looking forward to your comments and possibly some hugs. Before you ask (if you were going to), I have been talking to someone (professional) about this and, in fact, I've got another appointments tomorrow. I have not been and am not suicidal but, on a few of those dark nights, I've realized why other people might be (hence my earlier comment about scaring myself). 

I love you ladies a lot and I can't tell you how much I appreciate and am amazed by the fact that we're still so close after all these years. 

Yours,

Dina