The dead end to my holiday

Hello ladies.

Today has been… quite possibly the worst day in three years in my memory. I don’t think I’ve cried this much in one day in my entire memory.

It started too early when I woke up at 1:30am choking and coughing. Many fits of hacking, used tissues and grumbles later I fell asleep only to wake up at 7:00am to the same thing.

The earliness was mildly distressing but not nearly as much as the searing pain in my throat and the realization that I had to go back to my school city today. I’m not entirely sure what particular combination of things made the thought of going back to school so “distressing” but I
think I can make a few good guesses.

Last year, when I was living in Rez, the feeling of living here (I am currently in my school city) was so temporary. Sure, I talked about how I would be here for eight years of my life if things went according to plan but the place that I was staying was definitely temporary. Everyone there was there for the two terms and that was it. There was something bigger and better waiting at the end of the year. I thought there was, too, something so much happier but I’m definitely not at that place right now.

The second reason came with visiting Timmies with my mom and sister and meeting my mom’s friend Lizzie there. My mom and Liz started talking about the New Year’s Eve party they’d attended and the time capsule (the same group of friends, 10 years ago) that they had opened that night and the things they’d written about the future to place in it again.

They talked about the differences between now and then, the receding hairlines among other things, but then Liz said:

“I think the biggest difference is that we lost John. I thought about that when I was rambling about the future and how much your mom worries about your dad…”

I think that was the real beginning of my awful day.

I suppose I should explain this a little more so it makes some kind of sense. In the past several generations of my dad’s family the men have all died of heart attacks in their late 40s or early 50s. This really didn’t mean a lot to me until last spring when my dad’s brother died of a heart attack. On the day that he died he had complained to my aunt enough of pain in his neck that she insisted he go to the hospital. He never left the hospital.

That neck pain, which only happened in the morning of that day, was the only sign that anything was wrong. To all other appearances my uncle was healthy. He was ten years older than my dad. That’s a lot of space to be between siblings but not enough for me right now.

It’s truly official. I’ve never cried this much in one day.

When the time came for my uncle’s funeral there were all the usual things that go along with that kind of occasion but there was one thing I hadn’t expected. Everyone was asking about my dad’s health and had he been to see a doctor and had he taken care of himself and if they weren’t asking they were still looking and I could see it in their eyes—“He’s next.”

It’s not something I ever like to think or hear about and I really didn’t need to hear it today.

After this part of our conversation Lizzie turned it to my mother’s lovely necklace and collection of jewellery which my sister and I will someday inherit “Though you never really want to think about getting something in that way.”

Why Liz? Why?

When we went back home after coffee my mom did something that she’s been doing all through my vacation that I’d noticed but never really bothered me before. She called my school city my home. It hadn’t bothered me before because I had focused on the freedom that was inherent in that phrase, with the other conversations in my mind though…

All I could think about when she said that was what could possibly cause the house that I had called my home for so many years to disappear beyond my reach right along with the people who made it my home.

That, and the fact that I’m not really happy where I am right now. This place I’m staying right now if not a home in the sense that I would apply the world. There’s no one waiting for me hear. No one I can share hopes and dreams with. There’s not even a real sense of relief and welcome when I come in the door.

Basically, I’m feeling a little lost today.

I hope you ladies had a better day.

Much love,

Dina